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My Warning:
This explanation is designed to help stop confusion. When the CATS characters are calling each other by RENT names, ie Roger or Joanne, they are in character and are talking to the others in character. When they call each other by their real names, ie Munkustrap or Demeter, they are OUT of character and referring to each other as such, rather than the RENT character they are playing. Hopefully this will become clearer as you read. Oh yeah, this is totally off the topic, but all kisses are actually just on the cheek. *g* Enjoy!
Characters:
Roger - Munkustrap
Mimi - Bombalurina
Benny - Tugger
Maureen - Rumpleteazer
Joanne - Demeter
Mark - Alonzo
Collins - Mungojerrie
Angel - Mistoffelees
The Waiter, a cop and others - Coricopat
Alison (Muffy), Mark's Mom and others - Victoria
Alexi Darling, Roger's Mom and others - Cassandra
Squeegeeman, Will I? Soloist and others - Plato
Bag Lady, Seasons Soloist #1 - Etcetera
Christmas Caroler, Seasons Soloist #2 - Admetus
The Man, Gordon and others - Macavity
Directed by - Skimbleshanks.
Director's helper - Jemima
INTRODUCTION:
{The Jellicle Junkyard is silent as suddenly Munkustrap walks on and starts tuning his guitar. He scowls at it, as Alonzo enters and sets up a camera. All the cast enter and stand in the background.}
Alonzo (Mark): We begin on the eve of the Jellicle Ball, with me, Mark, and my roommate Roger. We live in an industrial loft in the Jellicle Junkyard, the top floor of what was once a catnip factory. We have a bunch of old posters with Roger's picture on them. We have an illegal wood-burning stove {Tugger brings forward a metal garbage bin with graffiti on it and hands it to Alonzo}. Outside a small cardboard box city has sprung up in the space next to our building. Inside we are freezing; because {he smiles sarcastically} we have no heat.
{He turns the camera to Munkustrap}
Smile!
TUNE UP #1:
{Pause}
I don't want to sing this. It's stupid.
Jemima: Oh, just keep going with the blasted thing already!
Munkustrap (Roger): This guitar won't tune.
Jemima: That comes LATER, you idiot!
Jellylorum: Jemima! Don't swear dear, it isn't nice.
Jemima: Yeah, yeah.
Alonzo: December 24th nine PM Eastern Standard Time, from here on in I shoot without a script. See if anything comes of it instead of my old shi -
Jennyanydots: STOP! I absolutely forbid Alonzo to say that nasty word!
Jemima: {sighs} Fine. {She scribbles something on a script and hands it to Alonzo}
Alonzo: See if anything comes of it, instead of my old crap.
{Jennyanydots faints}
Jemima: {giggles} Okay, she won't be bothering us any more!
Alonzo: May I continue? Okay then! See if anything comes of it instead of my old shit. First shot Roger, tuning the fender guitar he hasn't played in a year.
Munkustrap: This won't tune.
Alonzo: So we hear! {He begins to giggle at Munkustrap's attempts to tune the guitar} He's just gotten back from half a year of withdrawal.
Munkustrap: Are you talking to me?
Alonzo: Not at all.
Jennyanydots: Withdrawal from what?
Skimbleshanks: You don't want to know!
Alonzo: The phone rings!
Jemima: No, you're too early! Oh, stuff it. You're on Victoria.
VOICE MAIL #1:
Victoria (Mark's Mom): That was a very loud beep. I don't even know if you love me, Munkustrap, Munkustrap are you there, are you kissing that stupid ugly Demeter, it's Mom.
Jemima: It's supposed to be "Mark, Mark, are you screening your calls", not "are you kissing Demeter!"
Victoria: So I added in a few lines.
Jemima: Just keep going!!
Victoria: We wanted to call and say I love you! And we'll miss you tomorrow. Cindy and the kids are here, send their love. Oh, I hope you like the BBQ! Just don't leave it on, dear, when you leave the house. Oh and Mark, we're sorry (but not really) to hear that Maureen dumped you, I say c'est la vie. I always knew she was secretly a lesbian! Rumpleteazer's not worth your time anyway…. You could always have me instead! Love Mom!
Jemima: Argh! I give up!! Let's skip forward to RENT.
Alonzo: Uh… Let's not?
Munkustrap: Yeah. Can we just forget about it?
Jemima: No you may not. Get back to Tune Up #2.
Munkustrap: Aw, MAN!
TUNE UP #2:
Alonzo: So, Roger, smile for the camera. What are you up to?
Munkustrap: Well man, I'm trying to write this one great song before I -
Alonzo: The phone rings.
Munkustrap: Yesss! And they say wishes don't come true!
Mungojerrie (Collins): "Chestnuts roasting"
Alonzo and Munkustrap: Collins!
Mungojerrie: I'm downstairs.
Alonzo: Hey, I know that song!
Mungojerrie: Which song?
Alonzo: That carol you were singing.
Mungojerrie: Oh right. Throw down the keys, willya?
Alonzo: {Alonzo drops the keys. Etcetera grabs them and squeals}. A wild night is now pre ordained!
Coricopat (Mugger): Hey, you!
Mungojerrie: Uh.. Look, I may be detained, okay? See, I forgot to pay my bills and… {He drops the phone as he is mugged.}
{Phone rings again}
Tugger: Ho ho ho! Look guys, I need the rent. See, Allison wants all this stuff like a towtruck and I just can't afford to… so anyway, pay up.
Alonzo: Hey, wait a sec! You said we didn't need to pay!
Munkustrap: Yeah, when you bought the building! You lived here, remember?
Tugger: Of course. How's Maureen?
Alonzo: She dumped me.
Tugger: For another guy?
Munkustrap: No, for another woman.
Tugger: Hey, don't make fun of me it's not nice.
Munkustrap: {Starts to grin at Alonzo} No, I was being serious, actually, her name's Joanne. {Hits Alonzo on the shoulder and laughs at him.}
Tugger: Man, am I glad I moved when I did! Guys, pay up or I'm evicting you. See you soon.
Munkustrap: Don't you hate ultimatums?
RENT:
Munkustrap: Uh… Jemima?
Jemima: Yes?
Munkustrap: We sort of… didn't learn this song.
Jemima: Oh, is that so?
Alonzo: Yeah, so can we skip it?
Jemima: {screams in frustration.} RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT. 'CAUSE EVERYTHING IS RENT!
Alonzo: What was that for?
Jemima: I was singing the song for you. MISTOFFELEES AND MUNGOJERRIE, YOU'RE ON!!
YOU OKAY HONEY?:
Mistoffelees (Angel): You okay honey?
Mungojerrie: Sure. No lasting wounds.
Mistoffelees: {flustered} Uhh. Oh yeah. Did the muggers get any money?
Mungojerrie: Nah. But they stole my sunglasses and coat. Hey, cool Christmas tree.
Mistoffelees: I'm Angel.
Mungojerrie: {laughing} Angel? As if!
Jemima: MUNGOJERRIE!
Mungojerrie: Okay, okay. Angel? Indeed. An angel of the first degree. Friends call me Collins. Tom Collins. Want to go to a cool meeting for cats with AIDS tonight?
Mistoffelees: Sure, I'm not doing much else. Oh, but we have to go via my place, I have to get dressed up in really cool drag first.
Mungojerrie: Cool.
Jemima: Will I ever learn? Okay, Bombalurina and Munkustrap, get ready, it's time for the Light my Candle number!
Munkustrap: You're going to skip Glory? That's the best song in the whole show!
Jemima: Uh… Oops?
TUNE UP #3:
Munkustrap: Where are you going?
Alonzo: {Waves his jacket} Maureen calls.
Munkustrap: {Smiles sarcastically} You are such a sucker.
Alonzo: Oh, I don't suppose YOU'D like to see her show in the lot tonight, or come to dinner?
Munkustrap: Grab that camera of yours and zoom in on my empty wallet.
Alonzo: Man, ever since Demeter gave you AIDS and slit her wrists in the bathroom you've been so hard to get along with. Take your AZT. {Munkustrap grabs the bottle and takes a tablet. He grabs a bottle of water as Alonzo continues} I'll check up on you later. Change your mind? You have to get out of the house. {Munkustrap ignores him. Alonzo exits.}
ONE SONG GLORY:
Munkustrap: {Munkustrap tries to play Musetta's Waltz on the guitar and cracks up laughing}. It's no good; I'll never be able to play guitar! All I want to do is write one lousy song before I go…
One song. That's all. One blaze of glory, one last refrain, one song to leave behind. Is that asking so much? Time flies. Oh yeah, time dies. ONE BLAZE OF GLORY! All I want is to find one song. And I can't even do that! One song!
Jemima: We get the picture.
Munkustrap: Time flies - and then no need to endure anymore {He sighs}. Time dies {Knocking is heard}. The door.
LIGHT MY CANDLE:
Munkustrap: {Goes to the door} What'd you forget?
Bombalurina (Mimi): Got a light?
Munkustrap: I know you, you're…hey, you're shivering. Can I get you anything?
Bombalurina: Oh, it's nothing they just turned off my heat and I'm a tad weak on my feet. Would you light my candle?
Munkustrap: Nah can't be stuffed.
Bombalurina: What are you staring at?
Munkustrap: Nothing. Your fur in the moonlight. Since when did you dye it pink? It looks cool. Hey, you really do look familiar. Can you make it?
Bombalurina: I just haven't eaten today. At least the room's stopped spinning. What the hell are you looking at?
Munkustrap: Nothing! Your smile reminded me of -
Bombalurina: Typical. Can't forget my sister for long enough, can you?
Jemima: Ah hem!
Bombalurina: Okay, okay. I always remind people of. Who is she?
Munkustrap: She died. Her name was Demeter.
Bombalurina: {blows candle out} Oh, would you look at that! It's out again. Sorry about your friend. Would you light my candle? {She exits, then knocks again}. Hey, I think I dropped my stash.
Jennyanydots: Stash of what?
Bombalurina: Uh… Definitely not drugs!
Jennyanydots: Good girl.
Munkustrap: I know I've seen you out and about - when I used to go out.
Bombalurina: I know I had it, is it on the floor? {She crawls around with her back to Munkustrap. He turns around and gets full view of her rear end}.
Munkustrap: Uh... the floor?
Bombalurina: They say I have the best a - {Jennyanydots coughs} -ss below 14th street. Is it true? You're staring again.
Munkustrap: Oh no. I mean, you do have a nice {he pauses for a long time and keeps looking} - I mean, you look familiar.
Bombalurina: Like your dead girlfriend?
{Demeter rushes on}
Demeter: I'm NOT dead, and you're in serious trouble Munkustrap!
Jemima: Better cut this one short, I think!
Munkustrap: Wait! We have to get to the cool bit!
Demeter: But… but…
Munkustrap: Come on Dem, go back to being Joanne.
Demeter: Okay. {She exits}
Munkustrap: Why don't you forget that stuff? You look like you're 16!
Bombalurina: I'm 19! But I'm old for my age; I'm just born to be bad.
Munkustrap: I was born to be bad once. I used to shiver like that.
Bombalurina: I have no heat, I told you!
Munkustrap: Sure. And I used to sweat.
Bombalurina: I got a cold {She turns away from him}.
Munkustrap: Uh -huh. I used to be a junkie.
Bombalurina: Just WHAT are you accusing me of?
Skimbleshanks: Let's skip to Mistoffelees' cool song.
Jemima: I wish everyone would stop saying "cool" all the time.
{Exotica runs on with a piece of cloth}
Exotica: Hey Jemima, what do you think of this for Misto's costume?
Jemima: Hey that's really cool!
{Munkustrap reaches onto the ground and picks up the stash}
Munkustrap: Hey, here it… um…
Bombalurina: You found it?
Munkustrap: Nope, it was a candy bar wrapper. {He puts it in his pocket}.
Bombalurina: Sure. Whatever. {She dives for his pocket, but misses.} Well, we could always light the candle. {Munkustrap points to something. When she turns to look, he blows the candle out.} Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing to my candle? Light it again right now!
Munkustrap: Can't. That was my last match.
Bombalurina: Oh that's just so typical!
Munkustrap: I'm Roger.
Bombalurina: They call me Mimi.
Munkustrap: Who's "they?"
Bombalurina: Oh, everyone at the Cat Scratch Club. That's where I dance, I dance. Gotta go. {Before she leaves she grabs the stash out of his pocket}.
VOICE MAIL #2:
Plato: Hey Joanne, this is your father.
Etcetera: And mother!
Plato: We won't be home so don't ring. Bye.
TODAY 4 U:
{Mungojerrie enters the loft where Munkustrap and Alonzo are sitting.}
Mungojerrie: Hey guys! Here's some firewood and alcohol.
Munkustrap: Oh hi.
Mungojerrie: 'Oh hi' after seven months?
Munkustrap: Sorry.
Mungojerrie: This Jellicle could use some Stoli!
Jennyanydots: Over my dead body!
Jemima: Mum… either shut up, or get out!
Jennyanydots: Well I never! {She leaves}.
Mungojerrie: You guys coming to the Life Café after Maureen's show?
Munkustrap: No flow! Duh!
Mungojerrie: Meet our saviour. Angel Dumott Schunard!
{Mistoffelees enters, wearing a great drag costume that I can't describe... but it's cool}.
All: Cool!
Mistoffelees: Here's $500 for you, and $500 you.
Munkustrap: You earned this on the street?
Mistoffelees: It was my lucky day today on Avenue A, when a Persian in a limousine drove my way, she said "Darling, be a dear, haven't slept in a year, I need your help to make my neighbour's yappy dog disappear. This Akita, Evita, just won't shut up!" -
Alonzo: Hey, I know Evita. She's a real bitch.
{The entire cast groans at his pun}
Mistoffelees: May I continue? "Just won't shut up. I believe if you play (drums, that is,) non-stop that pup will breathe its very last high-strung breath. I'm certain that she'll simply bark herself to death."
Jemima: Sorry Misto, we have to cut it short.
Mistoffelees: Okay, okay. So she said she'd pay me $1000 and then Evita jumped off the 21st storey after an hour of listening to my playing.
YOU'LL SEE:{Tugger enters}
Tugger(Benny): I'm so cool, I don't need to sing this dumb song.
Jemima: Oh my! Tugger was perfectly cast! Whoever decided he should be Benny deserves a medal!
Skimbleshanks: Uh… you decided that.
Jemima: So I did! Yay me!
Tugger: Now then guys, here's the deal. You pay me all the rent you owe me, that I said you didn't have to pay, or you're evicted.
Munkustrap: What?
Tugger: Or, you can take my second option.
Alonzo: Which is...?
Tugger: Not as much fun as the first. Convince Maureen to cancel her show. I don't like protests against me.
Munkustrap: {sarcastically} Gee, I wonder why?
Alonzo: Why not just get an injunction, or call the cops?
Tugger: I did, and they're on standby, but my investors would rather I handle this quietly.
Munkustrap: You can't just quietly wipe out an entire cardboard box city and then watch "It's a Wonderful Life" on TV!
Tugger: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Those are your options. Seeya.
{He exits}
Mistoffelees: Anyone coming to the Life Support meeting tonight?
Alonzo: First I have to save Maureen's protest.
Mistoffelees: Roger?
Munkustrap: I'm not much company, you'll find.
Mistoffelees: Oh, he'll join us later. You'll see.
TANGO: MAUREEN:
Alonzo: And so into the abyss. The lot. Where a small stage is partially set up.
Demeter (Joanne): Line in. I went to Harvard for this?
Alonzo: Close on Mark's nosedive.
Demeter: Line out.
Alonzo: Will he get out of here alive?
Demeter: Mark?
Alonzo: Hi!?
Demeter: I TOLD Maureen not to call you. I went to Harvard you know, I think I can make this microphone work. Anyway, I hired an engineer already.
Alonzo: Great! Well, nice to have met you.
Demeter: Wait! She's three hours late. Look, the samples won't delay, but the cable -
Alonzo: There's another way. Say something in the mike. Anything!
Demeter: Test…one…two…three {She looks proud of herself}.
Alonzo: Anything but… that. {He does Justin Smith's little thumbs up motion. If you haven't seen Justin perform, the best I can describe it is a really fake grin while giving the thumbs up sign with both hands.}
Demeter: This is weird.
Alonzo: It's weird.
Demeter: Very weird.
Alonzo: You're telling me!
Jemima: What, you chickened out Alonzo? Didn't want to say the real line?
Alonzo: I'd just like to live to be Jellicle leader, is all, Jemima!
Jemima: Fine, whatever! Munkustrap will be leader before you, anyway.
Demeter: I'm fighting with microphones, freezing down to my bones and to top it all off, I'm stuck with a two timer like you!
Alonzo: I bet you just want to kill Maureen, don't you?
Demeter: No. I love her, I hate you.
Alonzo: Come on, she dumped me last month!
Demeter: You men are all the same.
Alonzo: Has she ever called you… {He puts on a baby face and half squeaks} Pookie?
Demeter: Ew! Never!
Alonzo: Even so, face it Joanne, she has power over you, just like she did over me. Want to tango?
Demeter: I guess.
{They dance}
Alonzo: And where did you learn to tango?
Demeter: With the French Ambassador's daughter in her dormroom at Miss Porter's. And you?
Alonzo: Uh… Must we go there?
Demeter: We must.
Alonzo: Fine. With Nanette Himmelfarb, the Rabbi's daughter at the Scarsdale Jewish Community Centre.
Demeter: You're Jewish?
Alonzo: Duh.
Demeter: You get that.
Alonzo: You do. So you see, I know what it's like.
Demeter: Yeah, I guess you do. She cheated!
Alonzo: She cheated.
Demeter: Maureen CHEATED!
Alonzo: Yeah, she did. Hey, try the microphone!
Demeter: My Maureen (een, een, een)
Alonzo: Patched!
Demeter: Thanks.
Alonzo: You know, I feel great now!
Demeter: I feel lousy.
{The payphone rings and Alonzo grabs it. After a short fight, Demeter grabs it off him.}
Hi Honey, we're… Pookie? You never call me Pookie! {She looks at Alonzo, who's smiling and looking very pleased with himself.} Oh, forget it. We're patched. {She slams the phone down}
Both: The Tango: Maureen!
LIFE SUPPORT:
Mistoffelees: Hi, I'm Angel.
Everyone: Hi Angel.
Jemima: Jeez guys! This isn't an AA meeting!!
{Alonzo rushes in}
Alonzo: Hey all I'm Mark.
Coricopat(Paul): Hey Mark, I'm Paul. Let's keep going.
Macavity (Gordon): *Note: if you've never seen RENT live, Gordon is an incredibly wimpy looking guy. The opposite of Macavity. * Excuse me Paul, I'm having a problem. I don't like this song.
Coricopat: All right. But how do you feel today?
Macavity: Is this a trick question?
Coricopat: Well? How do you feel?
Macavity: Just peachy thanks!
Coricopat: Then why choose fear?
Macavity: I'm a New Yorker? I have no imagination.
*Note: Sorry to any New Yorkers, that wasn't personal! *
Jemima: That's IT! Next song!
OUT TONIGHT (Mimi's Apartment, although she spends an awful lot of the song hanging off railings…):
Bombalurina: Is my song on now?
Jemima: Yes! And make it short!
Bombalurina: I want to go do some fun stuff that shows I'm born to be bad.
Jemima: That's it?
Bombalurina: Well, you said you wanted it to be short.
Jemima: Argh!
Bombalurina: Okay, okay. What's the time? Well it's gotta be close to midnight. My body's talking to me, it says time for danger! It says I wanna put on blue spandex and flirt like there's no tomorrow! You wanna play, let's run away, we won't be back before it's Christmas Day! Take me out tonight! Meow! Let's go out tonight! Have to go out tonight! You're sweet wanna hit the street, wanna wail at the moon like a -
Jemima: That'll be all Bomby. Run into the loft to Munkustrap already!
Bombalurina: Okay, okay! Please take me out tonight! Don't forsake me! Out tonight! I'll let you make me! Out tonight! Tonight! Tonight!
ANOTHER DAY:
Munkustrap: Who do you think you are? Barging in on me and my guitar. Little girl hey, the door is that way, you'd better go, you know the fire's out anyway. Take your powder, take your candle. Your sweet whisper I just can't handle!
Demeter: Right on!!
Bombalurina: Don't you see? There's only us, there's only this. Forget regret or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way. No day but today.
Munkustrap: Excuse me if I'm off track. But if you're so wise then tell me, what do you need smack?
Bombalurina: now THAT was a low blow. I'm out of here.
WILL I? (Various Locations)
Jemima: Quick! We're losing the audience!
{Gus, Jennyanydots (who has returned), Jellylorum, Deuteronomy and the kittens that aren't performing are all asleep}.
Plato: Will I lo -
Jemima: Right, we're skipping the sad stuff.
Bombalurina: Why?
Jemima: Because I say so!!
Plato: But the only GOOD solo I get in the whole thing is Will I? and I want to sing it!!
Jemima: NO! Go grab your squeegee and get ready for Christmas Bells.
Plato: Not fair. {He walks out, sulking}.
ON THE STREET:
Mistoffelees: How about we cut to my song with Mungojerrie?
Jemima: Good idea!!
Etcetera: Wait!!
Jemima: What is it?
Etcetera: You missed the Bag Lady!
Jemima: But we don't have…. {she glances at Jennyanydots} Oh no! We can't miss that!
Alonzo: So, what do I do?
Etcetera: Just pretend to film me { she scowls at him}. Hey you! What the hell do you think you're doing? I don't need no damn help from some bleeding heart.. ow!
Jemima: What? What is it?
Etcetera: I think I sprained my ankle.
Jemima: Well sit down then. We need someone else to take over this part. How about.. Jennyanydots?
Jennyanydots: Well, goodness me, I don't know if I could possibly..
Jemima: Of course you can. Here's the script. Go for it!
Jennyanydots: Well.. {she puts on the Bag Lady outfit and glares at Alonzo}. What the hell do you think you're doing? I don't need no damn help from some bleeding heart cameraman, my life's not for you to make a name for yourself on! Get lost!!!
Mistoffelees: Woah, easy sugar. He was just trying to -
Jennyanydots: Just trying to use me to kill his guilt! Well guess what? it's not that kind of movie honey! Let's go - this lot is full of sob story 'artists'. Hey, artist. You got a dollar? {Alonzo shakes his head}. I thought not.
{silence}
Jemima: Wow! Jenny, will you do that every night?
Jennyanydots: {back to her usual self} Well, I don't know, I don't really agree..
Jemima: Santa Fe! Now!
SANTA FE: I'LL COVER YOU:
Mungojerrie: You know, it sure would be nice to open up a restaurant somewhere like Santa Fe. New York sucks.
Mistoffelees: Yeah, but what can you do?
Alonzo: Not much.
Mungojerrie: Yeah.
Jemima: Good idea!!
Alonzo: I'll TRY and convince Roger to go to Maureen's show. See you there.
Mistoffelees: Alone at last.
Mungojerrie: {embarrassed} oh.. he'll be back, I guarantee it.
Mistoffelees: I've been hearing violins all night.
Mungojerrie: Anything to do with me? {Looks at the ground}. Are we a thing?
Mistoffelees: Darling, we're everything! Live in my house, I'll be your shelter. Just pay me back with 1000 kisses. Be my lover and I'll cover you.
Mungojerrie: Open your door, I'll be your tenant. Don't got much baggage to lay at your feet, but sweet kisses I've got to spare. I'll be there and I'll cover you
Both: I think they meant it when they said you can't buy love, now I know you can rent it, a new lease you are, my love. On life, be my life.
Jennyanydots: I demand you stop this at once!
Jemima: Why, is it offending you?
Jennyanydots: No, it's just too slow. I want something faster, like the Bag Lady!
Jemima: I think I created a monster. Let's go to Demeter's 'We're Okay' number!