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WE'RE OKAY:
{Demeter is on a mobile phone, standing next to the pay phone}
Demeter: Steve? It's Joanne - the Murget case. A dismissal? Good work counsellor! We're okay.
{pay phone rings and she answers it}
Honeybear, wait, I'm on the other phone. Yes, I have the cowbell! We're okay!
Steve - hold on {presses call waiting}. Dad! Yes, I beeped you! {Through gritted teeth} Maureen is coming to mother's hearing, worse luck! We're okay!
{in payphone} Honeybear - what? Newt's lesbian sister?
I'll tell them.
Jennyanydots: WE HEARD!
Demeter: They heard! We're okay!
Jemima: Uh… {Jennyanydots hisses at her} let's move right along to Rumpleteazer's performance, shall we?
Demeter: Are we ever going to get to do one number all the way through?
Jemima: Not the way Jennyanydots is complaining!
Jennyanydots: Jemima! I'm shocked at you!
Jemima: Oh, for the last time, Mum! PLEASE stop interrupting me! I THOUGHT you'd dealt with it after the whole Bag Lady incident.
Jennyanydots: Fine. Fine, continue.
CHRISTMAS BELLS:
Admetus: Christmas Bells are ringing.
Group of Homeless Jellicles: Christmas Bells are ringing. Christmas Bells are singing. On TV - At Saks.
Plato(Squeegeeman): Honest living, honest living, honest living, honest living, honest living, honest - Do I have to keep going?
Skimbleshanks: No, I think we get the drift.
Plato: Good!
Homeless: We need money, we need it fast, we live this moment as our last!
Jemima: That's not in the script!
Etcetera: We know. I made it up and it happened to rhyme.
Jemima: Whatever!
Etcetera(Vendor #2): How about a… fur? I'm not selling fur! That's evil! That's wicked! That's disgusting!
Jemima: Etcetera…. I am THIS CLOSE to killing someone!
Etcetera: Okay, okay. I got another coat that was broken in by a greedy broker who went broke and then broke down {She bursts out laughing}. Hey, that's pretty funny!
{she glances at Jemima}. Uh… so what did you want to buy?
Mungojerrie: Look, Angel, you really didn't have to do this for me. I don't need a new coat. I mean, just because the muggers stole my old one..
Mistoffelees: Oh, be quiet, that's what Christmas is for, silly! {he turns to Etcetera} Now, I don't know quite what we want. Eek! Take that pink checked jacket AWAY from me!
Etcetera: What, this? This is one of my better coats.
Mistoffelees: I'd hate to see the bad ones.
(In another part of the set)
Alonzo: Let me get this straight. You met this gorgeous queen who wanted you to take her out tonight?
Munkustrap: Right.
Alonzo: And she managed to get you out! Unfortunately, she's not with you.
Munkustrap: Look, I got mad okay? She was too…. cheerful. She wanted too much, and I was scared. And I had to get her out of my sight.
Alonzo: Wait a second! You said she was sweet!
Munkustrap: Well she was. But she's not my type. Look, over there, that's her!
Alonzo: Woah! What are you waiting for?
Both: Hey, look, it's beginning to snow.
(Yet another location)
Bombalurina and junkies: Hey Mr Man! Drug dealer! Got anything good?
{Jennyanydots opens her mouth. Looks at Jemima. Shuts her mouth.}
Macavity: I'm so cool. You all want me. Admit it!
Bombalurina: No, actually we want your drugs.
Macavity: Are you SURE?
Bombalurina: Positive. Sorry.
Macavity: Aw, man!
Admetus: You're HIV Positive, actually, Mimi! {The rest of the cast stare at him}. What? My joke wasn't THAT bad!
{Macavity stalks off to the side and the others follow, with the exception of Bombalurina. Munkustrap approaches her.}
Munkustrap: Hey.
Bombalurina: Oh. Hey.
Munkustrap: Look, I just wanted to say -
Bombalurina: Forget it! I'm used to it.
Munkustrap: I'm sorry for the way I blew up. Look, can I make it up to you somehow?
Bombalurina: Like how?
Munkustrap: Well, we're going to a dinner party later, want to come?
Bombalurina: Sure!
Macavity: Hey lover boy, you little slut! You steal my client, you're stuffed.
Jennyanydots: Macavity!!!!
Macavity: Uh… you're stuffed….. mate?
*Note, this was borrowed from Sarah and Rita's "Australian" version, with a few minor language changes to be kid friendly!*
Munkustrap: You didn't miss me, you're not going to miss her. You always have a bunch of cats tagging along behind you!
Macavity: True, true.
Junkies: I need drugs! Come on, man, got anything for me?
Macavity: And it's beginning to snow!
{Everyone begins to sing something different, out of key.}
Jemima: QUIET!!!!!!
{silence}
Munkustrap: Now Jemima, that sounded suspiciously like the "NO!!" I yell during 'The Pekes and the Pollicles'.
Jemima: Whoops, what do you know? It's purely unintentional, you know, that I stole it off you. Anyway, you guys are hopeless! I say we continue on to Rumpleteazer's performance.
Rumpleteazer: Yay!
All: And it's beginning to snow!
OVER THE MOON:
Rumpleteazer: Last night I had a dream. That's right, me and nobody else. I had a dream! Not you, I! I found myself in another junkyard, called Cyberland. It was freezing. My thermos had sprung a leak.. no, not the one I stole! Anyway, I was really thirsty. From behind a pile of newspapers walked a cow with blue horns, Elsie. I asked her if she had anything to drink. She said "I'm forbidden to produce milk." And I told her that was okay because I was lactose intolerant. She continued: "In Cyberland we only drink Diet Coke." She said, "Only thing to do is jump over the moon."
"They've closed everything real down. Like car boots and catflaps and performance spaces. And replaced it all with lies and rules and virtual life. But… there is a way out."
Demeter and Etcetera start singing backup: Leap of faith, leap of faith, leap of faith, leap of faith.
Rumpleteazer: Only thing to do is jump over the moon.
Then, a little.. {pause} BULLDOG entered. His name, we have learned, was Benny.
Tugger: Hey, that's not very nice!
Rumpleteazer: Well you're kicking me out of my performance area. You call THAT nice?
Tugger: Sorry. Continue.
Rumpleteazer: And although he once had principles he abandoned them long ago for money and power. {She puts on a pair of sunglasses. Tugger, who is wearing an identical pair, glances around, without drawing attention to himself, takes his off}.
"That's all bull." Benny said. "What would a talking cow with purple horns know?"
"They're blue, actually," Elsie replied. "Are you colour blind as well as stupid?"
"Oh, be quiet you talking cow."
"The only way out is up," Elsie whispered to me. "A leap of faith. Still thirsty?"
Parched. And she handed me a bottle, and I drank the most delicious Diet Coke I had ever tasted! Then I jumped on her back and we jumped over the moon away from Cyberland! I awoke singing!
Backups: Leap of faith {etc}
Rumpleteazer: Only thing to do, only thing to do is jump, only thing to do is jump over the moon. Only thing to do is jump over the moon. Over the moon. Over the….
MOOOOOOOOOO
MOOOOOOOOOO
MOOOOOOOOOO
Moo with me!
{The others look at her like she's crazy}.
I SAID, moo with me!
Jemima: Oh for pity's sake! {she gets up} MOO! MOO!
{Eventually the others join in, even Jennyanydots}.
Rumpleteazer: Thankyou!
LA VIE BOHEME (Life Café):
Coricopat (Restaurant man): No, please no, not tonight please no, Mr can't you go - not tonight can't have a seat!
Munkustrap: Stuff that. I'm on a date here. {He goes in, holding Bombalurina's hand and making a "Who is he kidding?" face at everyone}.
Coricopat: Go. Please go! You, HELLO SIR, I SAID NO, important customer? {He gestures to Tugger who is sitting with Macavity dressed up as Mr Grey}.
Alonzo: He's your important customer? A cat who's ego is larger than his mane? And an evil villain? Jeez, you're really lacking in customers huh?
{Coricopat ignores him}
Hey, what am I, just a blur?
Coricopat: You sit all night and never buy.
Alonzo: That's a lie! Take that back, that's a big lie! I had a tea the other day!
Coricopat: {Shakes his head} Ah, but you couldn't pay.
Alonzo: {Sheepish look} Oh yeah. {he ducks and runs in. While Coricopat chases him the others walk in, laughing.}
Mungojerrie: Benjamin Coffin III here?
Coricopat: Oh no!
All: Catnip and beer!
Rumpleteazer: The enemy of Avenue A! {She looks at Coricopat} We'll stay.
Coricopat: {Raising his paws in the air} Oiy Vey!
Mungojerrie: What brings the rock star in his own mind to the Life Café?
Tugger: I would like to propose a toast to Maureen's noble try. {Tugger puts on a fake smile}. It went well.
Rumpleteazer: {Looks at the audience and smiles in a sickly sweet fashion} Go to Hell.
Tugger: Was the yuppie scum stomped? Obviously not, because I'm still here!
Munkustrap: {Stands up and puts on a British accent} Why did Muffy -
Tugger: Allison.
Munkustrap: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Why did your wife miss the show?
Bombalurina: Tugger, married? Ha!
Tugger: As I was saying, there was a death in the family.
Mistoffelees: Uh.. I'm sorry to hear that. Who died?
Tugger: Our Akita
Tugger, Alonzo, Mistoffelees, Mungojerrie: Evita!
{Mistoffelees puts his paw over his mouth in a "whoops" gesture. On the far left corner of the table Etcetera stands up and raises her arms in a Victory gesture. The others near her quickly pull her back down before Tugger can turn around and see her.}
Tugger: Mimi - I'm surprised at you. You dated me, therefore you're better than the rest of these slackers. They really think I'm evil when I'm the only one attempting to do some good. {He stands behind Bombalurina and Munkustrap} Or do you really find the society of jerks like this preferable to me? I must tell you now, you all fancy yourselves as Bohemians. Well, this is Calcutta {He holds up a wine glass} and surprise! Bohemia is dead. {On 'dead' he tips the wine glass upside down. As Tugger goes and sits back down with Mr Grey at a small table on the left, Alonzo, who is at the head of the large table on the far right, jumps up onto the table.}
Alonzo: The great Benny has spoken! We all gather here to say our goodbyes…
{Mungojerrie, Munkustrap and Admetus all stand up. Mungojerrie puts his hand over his heart.}
Mungojerrie, Munkustrap, Admetus: Twinkle, twinkle little star. How I wonder what you are.
Jemima: Those are NOT the right words!
Mungojerrie: You try saying the right ones then!
Jemima: {looking at script} Um, you know what? We don't really need backing vocals there after all!
Alonzo: Here she lies, it's such a pity. The late, great daughter of Mother Earth is dead and gone and nobody knew her worth. We celebrate the birth on that cold freezing night in Bethlehem. We raise our glass - you bet your ass {Rumpleteazer at the head (?) of the table on the other end stands up on her chair with her back to Tugger and displays her rear to him and 'Mr Grey', who looks shocked}, to La Vie Boheme!
All: La Vie Boheme, La Vie Boheme, la la la la Vie Bo-
Jemima: HELLO?
Rumpleteazer: But it's so much easier.
Jemima: {tight lipped} Fine. Great.
Alonzo: To being inspired, to hating your parents, to everything that Jellicles do best.
Jemima: Where did you pull that from?
Alonzo: Don't ask. It's better that you don't know. To riding your bike past all those rich guys like Benny and laugh at them! To any passing fad! {The entire table begins to do the Macarina. Jemima bursts out laughing.} To being an us for once, instead of a them! {As he has been singing, Coricopat has been going from one end of the table to the other, taking orders.} La Vie Boheme!
{Demeter enters}
Rumpleteazer: Hey Joanne. Is the equipment all nicely stacked like I asked you?
Demeter: Ordered me, more like.
Rumpleteazer: What?
Demeter: That is, yes it's all stacked.
Rumpleteazer: Did you find the cowbell? Hey, don't look at me like that.
Macavity: Ahhemm
Rumpleteazer: Hey mister - she's my girl - uh, sister! Get over it!
{Demeter exits}
Coricopat: So that's five fish soup, four salmon salad, three fish burger dinner, two steak platter and one pasta with meatless balls!
Admetus: {stands up and makes a really cute face} Ew!
Coricopat: You're telling me!
Mungojerrie: {stands up} Hey, it tastes almost the same, you know!
Bombalurina: {stands up} Yeah, if you close your eyes!
Coricopat: Anything else?
All: Wine and beer! And catnip!
Bombalurina and Mistoffelees: To lots of stuff and lots of food.
Jemima: Is that it?
Bombalurina: And to mice.
All: Yeah!
Macavity: I don't get it.
Munkustrap: To guitarists that are better than me!
Alonzo: I'll second that!
All: La Vie Boheme!
{Demeter enters}
Rumpleteazer: And don't forget to wipe off the speakers before you pack, this time!
Demeter: Oh, give it a rest, Maureen. It's getting old.
Rumpleteazer: Is that so?
Demeter: Why do I always give in to you?
Rumpleteazer: {innocent look} You can't handle the fighting?
{She kisses Demeter}
Macavity: Sisters?
Rumpleteazer: We're close. And mind your own business, creep.
Mungojerrie: If Rumpleteazer can do this I can too.
{Mungojerrie and Mistoffelees kiss each other}
Macavity: Brothers?
Others: {At the same time} Brothers!
{Macavity exits in disgust. As he walks past Alonzo he trips and falls flat on his face}
All: To all types of cats in the world!
Cassandra: Even Persians!
Victoria: And even tabbies!
Alonzo: And even bossy dictators! {Jemima coughs.} Just kidding Jem.
Mungojerrie: {All pretend to smoke} To marijuana!
Jennyanydots: Right on!
All: La Vie Boheme!
Mungojerrie: Because Bohemia is dead and we all miss her so very much, Mimi will wear handcuffs and dance for us. Everyone go wild!
{All cheer - except Tugger}
Munkustrap: And Mark will show us his most recent film '101 reasons why my films never make it to Hollywood'.
Alonzo: Can I join in saying cool stuff?
Mungojerrie: The more the merrier!
Alonzo: And Maureen will sing stuff for us. And if we're lucky she might even sing it backwards!
Rumpleteazer: Only if you're VERY lucky!
{All cluster into a small group, leaving Tugger and Bombalurina together at the back}
Tugger: So, your new boyfriend doesn't know about the whole 'us' thing?
Bombalurina: There's nothing TO know!
Tugger: Well, don't you think we should discuss it? I mean -
Bombalurina: Benny, it was three months ago! I've moved on!
Tugger: Yeah, well where's your boyfriend then?
Bombalurina: He's right…. Over…. Somewhere….
Tugger: Yeah. Right.
Alonzo: And Roger will attempt to write - and play - a love song for Mimi, guaranteed to make her run screaming into the night.
Munkustrap: Not nice, Mark! {He begins to play and throws his guitar down in frustration. It smashes.} Whoops.
Mungojerrie: Angel will model some clothes and bang a white pickle tub for awhile.
{Mistoffelees jumps up onto the table}
Mistoffelees: And Collins will tell us all about the fun computer stuff he did last time he worked at NYU!
Tugger: Check! You! Waiter! I want that check now!
{Rumpleteazer kisses Victoria just as Demeter comes onstage. Horrified, she rushes off again. Coricopat runs in the opposite direction to get away from Tugger. Bombalurina and Munkustrap stand together on the left.}
Bombalurina: Did I do something wrong, or what? You invite me and then all of sudden you ignore me! I could have more fun sitting a home counting dust balls!
Munkustrap: Hey I'm not perfect, I've got baggage.
Bombalurina: So have I. Big deal.
Munkustrap: But I should tell you -
Bombalurina: Stuff that. I've got baggage too.
Both: Wine and beer! Now! We wanna get drunk!
Munkustrap: And I want to see you dance in those blue spandex pants, Mimi.
Bombalurina: I'd like to see YOU dance in them!
Alonzo: Ha ha ha!! Roger in Mimi's spandex!
Jemima: Okay! I thought you were doing well! Next song!
I SHOULD TELL YOU:
Munkustrap: Well I should tell you I have AIDS and I hate commitment.
Bombalurina: No big deal, I have AIDS too, and life is too short to fear anything.
Munkustrap: Want to move in together?
Bombalurina: Think you can handle it?
Munkustrap: I can try.
Bombalurina: Well… here goes!
{They exit. Alonzo waves them goodbye.}
LA VIE BOHEME B:
{Demeter enters once more and glares at Rumpleteazer.}
Rumpleteazer: Are we packed?
Demeter: Yes. And by next week I want you to be. You're outta my life!
Rumpleteazer: But.. Pookie! What about my career? Mark will have to go back to being my production manager!
Demeter: The lot is a mess. Benny called the cops.
Rumpleteazer: Typical.
Demeter: Will you stop interrupting me? Anyway, nobody's leaving they're all sitting there mooing and drinking diet coke.
All: YEAH! To dance!
Victoria (A girl): A pointless waste of time!
All: Film!
Alonzo: Also a pointless waste of time!
All: Music!
Mistoffelees: Not quite such a waste of time, but if you want to make a living out of it you'd better be good at what you do!
All: Anarchy!
Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer: The way of the future!
All: La Vie Boheme!
Alonzo: Everyone's fighting. Mimi and Roger kiss.
All: Viva La Vie Boheme!